OK, stop already with the e-mails! Alright?
I'm tired of opening my hotmail and getting yet another challenge from some inbred yahoo ™ to step up to the plate on the whole same-sex marriage thing. Once and for all I'm going to say my piece, deal with it frankly and honestly and then I don't care if the whole country falls apart because of what's written here. Once this column is done I'm not saying another word on the subject.
So are you ready? Have you got a pen and paper because here's my opinion on the same-sex marriage issue, here's my opinion on gay men getting legally wed in this country and before I go on, before I share it, I want to stress once again, in the immortal words of Johnny LaRue, I'M NOT GAY!
My opinion is this: I DON'T CARE.
I don't. It doesn't matter to me. It doesn't affect me. I don't care.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not pro-gay anymore than I am gay (which I'm NOT!). I just don't have an opinion on something that doesn't affect me at all.
I have an opinion on the chuckleheads who cut me off on the road, squeezing into my lane without so much as signaling, sliding over as if I wasn't even there.
I have a problem with people who complain about the lack of funding for health care and education then brag about how they did an under the counter cash deal with a merchant to avoid paying taxes.
I have a problem with the people who took an insurance company for a ride with an unnecessary soft tissue claim because the opportunity arose and then complain because the Government isn't doing something to keep their car insurance down.
I have a problem with people who try to weasle something for nothing while leaving the rest of us to pay the tab.
Those people I have a problem with.
I also have a problem with TV News organizations showing two gay men kissing at their wedding. Over and over again, as if once wasn't once too often. I particularly hate it when it's the same clip of the same two guys, from the same ceremony doing the kissing; a full month after the ruling came down, thirty bloody days after other men have been rushing to wed. They can stop playing that clip, we get it.
And I'm even more offended that the first two gay men I saw getting married on TV were two Americans who drove up here to wed. This is news? Maybe for some poor Afghany in a cave somewhere plotting the overthrow of the free world but for the rest of us, enough already!
I personally think it's disgusting for two men to be sexual with each other, I've gone on record as being against any man-to-man hugging unless it's above the waist, quick shoulder only contact, pelvic areas at least ten inches apart and preferably angled so they're not facing, but then, as I've said before, that's because I firmly believe ALL HETEROSEXUAL MEN ARE LESBIANS.
And although we're mighty thankful that our girlfriends and wives are willing, even sometimes interested in getting very friendly with Mr Happy we personally do not want to see it, even if it's our own.
That's why we pay more to see two women going at it like hungry kids on a melting ice cream cone in August.
Heck, I got fat just so I'd never have to see the damn thing again. Let's face it, if we liked the look of our John Thomas' we'd have photos of them in our wallet, am I right guys?.
And I'll stand up now and say that I'll be the first to sign the petition or vote in a Referendum that prohibits ALL KISSING from being broadcast on TV and ALL DISPLAYS OF PUBLIC AFFECTION by EVERYONE if it means I never have to see two men kissing ever again, but then I don't want to see Fat People, Ugly People, Old People, Cross-Dressers, Goths, people in 70's theme costumes and whole host of others kissing either.
I'm equal opportunity about this, OK, I hate everyone!
I agree with that Montreal Newspaper Columnist who wrote that if the damn Government had kept out of the Marriage business in the first place this wouldn't a problem but that's because I don't trust the Government to tie their own shoelaces.
And yes, Trudeau was right on one thing, the Government has no place in the bedrooms of this nation, so as long as it's kept there, or at least behind curtains in one's home (or any other place where I can't see it) then it doesn't matter to me one bit what you're putting where just as long as you pay your taxes and don't end up in the Emergency Room.
So think about this, people. It really isn't that big of a deal. Once you get past the shock, once you move beyond that inevitable "I haven't seen a single instance of change that was good" knee-jerk reaction to this then what are we fighting against?
Two people want to care for each other and they want it in writing.
We have a problem with THIS? Why? And don't give me that "because it'll taint the sacred bond of Marriage" crap.
Marriage is coated in the splatter of something far worse every time a physically abusive husband or a mentally abusive wife takes their self-loathing out on their spouses while Society sits by and watches.
And the marriage for reproduction argument is a joke on a planet with more than 7 Billion particularly when nearly 40% of all children that are born come out of societal expectations rather than love.
Can you really think that doesn't taint marriage a lot more than a gay union? Where's your righteous indignation for that? Huh? Wake up and smell the burning bush Mister Conservative.
Marriage has a lot bigger problems threatening it than two people wanting to care for each who happen to be the same gender.
Besides, if two guys want to give their money to the Government for a piece of paper which increasingly means nothing in this society, and then pay higher tax rates to the Government after spending untold thousands of dollars in a ceremony that benefits our economy then why would you want to stop them? Fork it over sucker! Blow your dough, spend your money, pay more taxes, live happily ever after, just shut up about it!
And if it is wrong, if it is a sin in the eyes of the Lord our God, then guess what? They'll have to face that on Judgement Day just like everyone else. All alone, one on one and without the protection of the Supreme Court of Canada, the Charter of Rights or even their partner. But then, every single one of us will have something to answer for on that day, right?
The really big question is how the greed, avarice, indifference, pride and self-righteousness that is the log in our eye will compare to the splinter of two people who care and love each other but happen to have matching body parts.